17 April 2018 - Am I old now? (and other self deprecating thoughts)

Something that bothers me quite a bit (partly because it happens in so many situations) is when people accuse me of any number of things based on my age. I can think of a few situations in which it has happened recently:

  1. In a recent gathering of adults, the comment was made that medical problems occur due to age and that those who are under X age should appreciate the time they have. Then a joke was made about how awesome life is in your younger years. 
  2. In a somewhat recent social media post, the request was made to spark discussion of a favourite childhood musician. Upon sharing mine, I was informed that I was "too young" to have ever really listened to them or appreciated them. Very similar things often happen when speaking to someone in person if they feel I am "not allowed" to like or appreciate a particular aspect of popular culture. 
  3. In somewhat regular discussions I am reminded that I am one of the youngest teachers in a particular group. This can play into how I am treated in social and professional situations, how I am respected, and often, how I am spoken down to. 
The first example is the most recent and is what prompted this post. I was taken aback by the conversation because it was implied that I should be loving life right now because "it's all down hill from here". It almost made me feel as though I was not allowed to have any issues, due simply to my age. This is a reason I don't share often about myself in these situations. 

The second example is the one that happens most often and is the most annoying in that moment. I was born in the late 80s and was a child of the 90s and a young adult of the early 2000s. I am caught, culturally and mentally, between generations X and the Millennials, although most people will clump me with the latter. I was born with no tech in my hand, but a cassette player and by the time I was 23, I got my first smart phone. I've learned HTML and know how to build a site from scratch, and I was of the generation that piloted such speak as brb, ttyl, and asl. The idea that I am not allowed to enjoy, or know anything "real" about certain popular culture because of my age is ridiculous. 

The last example is the most saddening to me. I work very hard and I am proud of the work I do, to suggest that it is less than because I was born at a later time hurts, especially when it comes from unexpected places. Recently I had a conversation with a person dear to me where we discussed this. Both of us agreed that it was ridiculous, but it is the way the professional world can work. 
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And on a completely separate issue, I am struggling with self deprecating feelings, which the above discussion plays into sometimes/often. I was recently diagnosed with sleep apnea. As I discussed in one of my first posts, my weight has always been a number to me because I've always been active, eaten fairly healthy, and had pretty gosh darn great numbers otherwise at the doctor. Now, I have been diagnosed with something that can be in direct correlation to my weight - to that number. 

I remember when I was at the sleep study, and the nurse was speaking to me about sleep apnea. She asked if I'd ever considered losing weight. I responded that I was actually in the process of losing some weight on account of my ankle injuries. She responded in a way that showed she didn't believe me. At that moment, I felt so defeated. I have been working to make changes for nearly 2 months. I have given up most gluten and dairy, and changed the times I eat almost entirely. I am down 16 pounds. And in that moment, she reminded me that until I am outwardly perfect in others' eyes, it will never be enough for someone. 

Last night was my first night with a CPAP machine. I was nervous wearing it, mostly that I'd scare my animals and they'd try and play with it in the night. What I found was that my cats avoided me, and my dogs snuggled up to me and "protected" me. Chibs even got up 2-3 times when he heard noises to check them out before coming back to bed. I was grateful for them, because I went to bed last night and woke up this morning feeling... at fault. 

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