1 May 2018 - RBF, and NSV
It's time for more acronyms!
Today has been a mixed day so far. I woke up and had hit a new low on the scale (Scale Victory) and fit into a new pair of work pants I'd bought (Non Scale Victory). Even then, I almost decided not to wear them. They are different than the things I normally wear - silky, vibrant in pattern, and a little more formal than I normally wear (usually thicker, more forgiving, less noticeable). I did not feel like I looked good in them - or - rather, I did not feel like others would think that I should be wearing them. As I've worn them thus far, I've gotten one compliment on them from a trusted person (so it kind of made my day that they noticed) and I feel more and more comfortable. Why shouldn't I wear comfortable, fun pants?
Then... I walked into work. Upon my desk was a package. It was expected, but it was much bigger than anticipated. Suddenly it felt like all the paperwork landed on my desk (which it had - but again, expected). The first thought that ran through my mind is, "I need to be careful how I approach this or people will think I'm angry." See, I have RBF (resting b**** face). It comes across in almost everything I do. People think I'm angry when I'm not. I've been thinking about this a lot, particularly the relation of RBF to introversion. Does my face always look angry, or do people interpret my introversion as anger? And why does society place such a huge emphasis on extroversion? Being introverted doesn't change my ability to think or act. It just means that I often prefer a quiet evening at home to going out on the town. Often, what people assume is an angry face is really me listening or thinking. When I am trying to work out details in my head it gets worse. I have, more than once, had to speak to someone because they presumed I was angry....
... and in those situations... I find myself... apologising, for being me. This is where my issues with this lies. I am apologising to people because they misinterpreted my expressions. For certain it was a simple mistake, so why is anyone apologising? I don't mind explaining or even reassuring, but to force me to apologise because of who I am, or to argue with me when I do explain and reassure isn't just rude, but also a form of socially acceptable gaslighting.
So, there it is: your daily dose of Miriam. Today's special - feeling proud (and unsure), and a special helping of semi-rant :)
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Today's stats:
yesterday's water intake - 70 ounces
today's water goal - 80 ounces
pain level - 6-7
current mood - busy
Today has been a mixed day so far. I woke up and had hit a new low on the scale (Scale Victory) and fit into a new pair of work pants I'd bought (Non Scale Victory). Even then, I almost decided not to wear them. They are different than the things I normally wear - silky, vibrant in pattern, and a little more formal than I normally wear (usually thicker, more forgiving, less noticeable). I did not feel like I looked good in them - or - rather, I did not feel like others would think that I should be wearing them. As I've worn them thus far, I've gotten one compliment on them from a trusted person (so it kind of made my day that they noticed) and I feel more and more comfortable. Why shouldn't I wear comfortable, fun pants?
Then... I walked into work. Upon my desk was a package. It was expected, but it was much bigger than anticipated. Suddenly it felt like all the paperwork landed on my desk (which it had - but again, expected). The first thought that ran through my mind is, "I need to be careful how I approach this or people will think I'm angry." See, I have RBF (resting b**** face). It comes across in almost everything I do. People think I'm angry when I'm not. I've been thinking about this a lot, particularly the relation of RBF to introversion. Does my face always look angry, or do people interpret my introversion as anger? And why does society place such a huge emphasis on extroversion? Being introverted doesn't change my ability to think or act. It just means that I often prefer a quiet evening at home to going out on the town. Often, what people assume is an angry face is really me listening or thinking. When I am trying to work out details in my head it gets worse. I have, more than once, had to speak to someone because they presumed I was angry....
... and in those situations... I find myself... apologising, for being me. This is where my issues with this lies. I am apologising to people because they misinterpreted my expressions. For certain it was a simple mistake, so why is anyone apologising? I don't mind explaining or even reassuring, but to force me to apologise because of who I am, or to argue with me when I do explain and reassure isn't just rude, but also a form of socially acceptable gaslighting.
So, there it is: your daily dose of Miriam. Today's special - feeling proud (and unsure), and a special helping of semi-rant :)
---
Today's stats:
yesterday's water intake - 70 ounces
today's water goal - 80 ounces
pain level - 6-7
current mood - busy
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